Country rock with an indie flair

1 - Go to "wikipedia." Hit “random... Read More”
or click http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first random wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2 - Go to "Random quotations"
or click http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

3 - Go to flickr and click on “explore the last seven days”
or click http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days
Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

4 - Use photoshop or similar to put it all together.

Hey, my book!

My book is in stock and shipping from Amazon.com.

Wicked awesome!

It's over here!

My yeast infection medication is concerned about turtles

(click to read a larger warning about turtles)

Hey Duane Reade Pharmacy!

Thanks for that unexpected tip about turtles!

When I left your store, I had no idea that there was anything in my plastic grocery bag besides my prescription for Flucozanol and some crappy sugar-free licorice. I didn't expect that you were also going to save my life...

from turtles.

I'm curious, though - how'd you know that I was considering a risky turtle purchase? Was it the devilish gleam in my eye? Was it my novelty 'sexy bikini' t-shirt I bought in Atlantic City that says: 'PEOPLE UNDERGOING CHEMO SHOULD ALL OWN TURTLES!'?



Was it because I was holding a turtle?

Whatever the reason, I want to thank you for warning me about this silent, shelled killer: the turtle! Not only am I elderly, I am also under five. This could have serious repercussions on my owning a turtle.

I was glad to read about all the families for whom owning a turtle may not be "right." For example, people who have had organ transplants should not also be turtle owners. Duly noted, DR! The next time I get an organ transplant, well, let's just say - no turtles involved this time!

I believe that the only real mistakes are the ones you don't learn from, right? So, consider me mistaken! No more turtle kidneys!

Now, as you all know, I recently started a business called Meals on Wheels and Also There Are Some Turtles in Those Meals. This is going to stop immediately.

Immediately!

I'm glad to know that I should "remember turtles are cute", however, I was exceedingly saddened by another piece of information on the unexpectedly in-depth pamphlet:

apparently cats are also turtles. :(



I own a cat! And now it's a turtle? Jeez-o-pete! Can this day get ANY worse?

Tomorrow, I will say a silent prayer and release my cat/turtle into the ol' fishin' pond. Better safe than sorry.

Anyway, thanks Duane Reade! Before I got this yeast infection, I had no idea that my life was in such danger...

from turtles...

...and now I do.

So thank you.

And now, a word Gamera:



"Don't own me if you have cancer!"

A note I just left on the mailboxes of my building

To whoever threw my NY Times in the recycling bin this morning, please don't ever do that again. I would prefer to read it first. Sincerely, Kyria

(Apologies, but my cell phone photo was sub-par. You'll just have to trust in my world today.)

Kingdom Melody Remixes

These remixes of JW songs were posted in the comment section of a post below by "Space Monkey". They are pretty darn sweet, and I don't want the link to get overlooked all the way down south in comment land.

The first piece, 'We're Jehovah's Witlesses' invokes a world not unlike a Super Mario-styled Armageddon. Meanwhile, there is simply no better title than 'Myriads Shitloads of Brothers'. Enjoy!

Kingdom Melody Remixes

Good morning from my neo-retro kitchen!

You'll never guess where I bought that adorable kitchen chair, girlfriend!

Hint: find the answer below!

Upcoming performance with the ever-lovely Rachel Kramer Brussel and cupcakes!

March 19, 8 pm - 10 pm

In The Flesh Erotic Reading Series

From Rachel's site:

March brings an eclectic mix of true sex stories, erotic romance, hotel sex, a graphic novelist and a former Jehovah's Witness to In The Flesh! Featuring Paula Derrow, editor of the anthology Behind the Bedroom Door, along with contributors Anna Marrian and Pari Chang, graphic novelist Koren Shadmi, author of the fabulously titled In The Flesh, memoirist and former Jehovah's Witness Kyria Abrahams (I'm Perfect, You're Doomed), first-time novelist Victoria Janssen (The Duchess, Her Maid, the Groom and Their Lover) and Tess Danesi and In The Flesh host/curator Rachel Kramer Bussel reading from Rachel's latest anthology Do Not Disturb: Hotel Sex Stories. The Do Not Disturb book trailer will also be shown. Mobile Libris will be selling copies of the authors' books. Free candy and cupcakes will be served.

FREE, 21+

Happy Ending Lounge, 302 Broome Street, NYC (F/V 2nd Avenue, look for pink awning)

A post about The Post

Book Review from the New York Post:

"Imagine a world where the Devil might be hiding in Smurfs or yard sales, where dancing and holidays are considered the work of Satan, and where one wrong move can damn you to hell for eternity.

Kyria Abrahams spent her childhood as a Jehovah's Witness, taking all the rules to heart and becoming even more fanatical than her parents. "When you're a fundamentalist kid, it's cool to be a zealot. If you can't be bad, you might as well be very, very good. So me and my JW homies had our own crew. After the meetings, we'd hang out in the Kingdom Hall parking lot, not smoking, and brag about how totally unrebellious we were. Then we'd put down a square of cardboard and not break-dance."

Abrahams started "witnessing" (going door-to-door to convert the surely doomed), and at 16 she met Alan, a rebel Jehovah's Witness eight years her senior, who believed in the faith, but also strove to be educated. He refused to go to the mandatory three meetings a week. Abrahams was barely squeaking through high school and was impressed with him for all the wrong reasons. She and her best friend Lisa convinced him to start attending more meetings. "As long as Alan was going to all the meetings, it was okay for me to 'like' him. By 'like,' we meant 'date,' and by 'date' we meant 'get married to.' "

That her marriage was loveless didn't seem to concern her; that she was unemployable didn't either. She stayed home all day, prancing around the house, telling herself how cool it was to be a married woman. It was so cool, in fact, that she started drinking alone in the afternoons, began cutting herself and started sleeping with men she met on the Internet - all while tying to reconcile her Jehovah Witness self with the wild girl she'd become.

Abrahams was thrown out of the church; left in a world she was completely unprepared for. "It didn't feel wrong to have sex with my friend's boyfriend because I couldn't fathom anything being wrong anymore. I'd been told that murder was as wrong as eating birthday cake was as wrong as smoking, as wrong as reading books, as wrong as having sex with your friend's boyfriend. I needed time to grade each of these things on its own merit, to make sense out of the world."

It was years before Abrahams became self-aware, taking on a new job as a stand up comedienne. She certainly had the material."

By MARTHA FRANKEL
February 15, 2009

Mark your calendars!

March 23rd at 7:00

I'M PERFECT, YOU'RE DOOMED reading and signing and interpretive dance and koala grooming (interpretive dance and koalas subject to availability).

Barnes & Noble Tribeca

97 Warren Street
New York, NY 10007
212-587-5389

Vanity Fair = w00t!

I'M PERFECT has been listed as Hot Type on page 170 of this month's Vanity Fair - the Special Commemorative Inauguration Issue, even!

Little known fact: There was a HUGE controversy over whether Kyria Abrahams or Barack Obama was getting the cover. Camps were forged, sides were taken, and swathes* of high-ranking people have been blacklisted. Editors jumped from clock towers. Rolex not only pulled their ads, but said they would stop time. James Wolcott poured poison into his own ear. William Makepeace Thackeray rose from the dead and made a sandwich (odd). Christopher Hitchens kissed a puppy on the mouth! From what I'm told, publishing will never be the same.

In the end, they went with a photo of this 'Obama' fellow... and I am mostly okay with that. It was worth it to see the Hitch share a biscuit with a dachshund.

*Yes, swathes! Like fabric. Christo and Jean-Claude are wrapping London Bridge in the carnage.

Tuesday street portraits

If I keep posting old photos, I'll be forced to take new ones.

A starred Booklist review for I'M PERFECT

Booklist, March 2009

Given that Abrahams is now a stand-up comic and spoken-word poet, it makes perfect sense to begin her very funny memoir with her performance debut at the Pawtucket, Rhode Island, Kingdom Hall, at age 8(her presentation was about freedom from demon possession). She describes the children’s books she read as a child as a cross between “Dr. Seuss rhymes and tales of how sinners would scream and gnash their teeth at Armageddon.”

In her world, Smurfs were “little blue demons” and yard sales were enticements from Satan. As a bored teenager with OCD, she didn’t know what to do with herself or how to make sense of the world. On the verge of 18, she married a 24-year-old part-time college math teacher because, even if his interest in her was, at best, halfhearted, she wanted a boyfriend and didn’t know any other Jehovah’s Witnesses who liked her. Anyway, she reasons, “this is what adults did, and I was an adult.”

It wasn’t long before she longed to be out of the marriage. Between threats of suicide, she tried to be “disfellowshipped,” or shunned, by her congregation, which proved surprisingly difficult to accomplish. Abrahams is a natural writer whose prose flows effortlessly as she easily mixes throwaway humor and painful memories in a compelling narrative.

— June Sawyers

Unicorns and Bullets

Here, I'm writing about you on my blog. This is so you don't go bitching later.

How I feel today

© Kyria Abrahams 2008

Some red and green

(All photos: © copyright Kyria Abrahams, 2008-2009)

Sharp snappiness!

Thanks for the cool review of my book, Satia!

I cannot stop watching this very high child

7-year-old boy drugged up after visiting the dentist.